


Half Doomed/Semi Sweet

by OfficialSpec



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Multi, Quadrant Confusion, alpha au, get ready for such Saucy Content as: holding hands, hi welcome to No One Dies And It Only Sucks A Little aka Suck My Wiggly Dick Hussie, like a very brief mention of erisol, prolly some other stuff i'll tag later, the Classic Davekat Tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-12-01 11:54:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11485869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OfficialSpec/pseuds/OfficialSpec
Summary: In Which Two Intolerable Assholes Learn To Tolerate Each Other, Through The Power Of Love Or Some Other Bullshit.





	Half Doomed/Semi Sweet

You've known since you were hatched that you wouldn't make it far in life. Any wiggler with half a pan could tell that without the protection of your lusus and your below average social life you would've had an entire squadron of drones up your nook the second you took your first breath of air. The fact that you made it past your pupation and adulthood molt is almost enough to make you buy into that purpleblood juggalo miracle bullshit. You even survived your insufferable circle of friends, not with any assistance on their part. Alternian trolls weren't the most benevolent bunch but you sure got the murderous cream of the violent crop.

You’ve lost track of a good chunk of them over the sweeps, mostly because of their own personal dramas (of which there was no shortage). Feferi basically retreated fuckdeep into the ocean as soon as the first signal of her approaching adulthood came into view, and Aradia was dead to begin with so who knows where her afterlife has taken her. You aren’t sure where Terezi and Vriska ended up, but you’ve made an educated guess that there’s a body count. Nepeta and Equius got stationed early because of their combined fighting skills, and Tavros opted to hide in the docterrorist ranks. Gamzee was a fucking mystery even when you knew his exact geological coordinates. This, of course, leaves you with the two most insufferable kismeses under Her Condescension’s rule, and your only successful quadrantmate.

In a startling moment of intelligence, Eridan pulled his horns out of his nook long enough to keep your existence discrete without committing genocide even once. You’d be proud if he wasn’t also the worst, but you aren’t because he is. Sollux at least you can hold a conversation with that doesn’t involve fondling the hemospectrum’s globes in the most obnoxious way possible, and Kanaya is so many leagues more tolerable than either of them that trying to fathom it gives you a headache. You guess that’s why she's your moirail, although you did both tend to lean more conciliatory in general. The second your eyes started filling in with your disgusting colour she was there to provide the highest quality shooshpaps and a few lipstick stains on your nubby horns, just like you were there when her flushcrush disappeared with Terezi.

Things were in the general vicinity of okay for a while, but you know from experience that the universe doesn't let you have nice things. It was only a matter of time before something stuck out its hindquarters and took a massive shit all over your life.

You got the notice that you were being stationed three nights after your 9th wriggling day. Sollux got his at around the same time, and Kanaya got hers the night after. You slept even less than usual that day; even your warm sopor couldn't calm your worries. Kanaya deserved better than the breeding caverns, and you shuddered at even the thought of where Sollux might end up. You'd be culled during sign in as soon as you had to stamp next to your name with blood. The future didn't look good for any of you, but no amount of worrying could stop its arrival.

Kanaya was at sign in first, and as soon as she pressed her thumb against the page she was placed in the caverns. She kept herself expressionless but you could see by the drop in her shoulders she was disappointed. Sollux had stayed up for the past two days trying to figure out how you two were going to make it past stationing, and he came up with a shaky plan. He had special bands around his front horns - ‘psiioniic2 blocker2’ - and you had carefully applied makeup and contacts in. You passed for a maroon with the slate grey covering the slight flush in your cheeks.

You also had a really small amount of maroon blood concealed in your palm (you didn't ask Eridan where he got it and you don't care anyway) that you dip your thumb in after they prick it at the sign in desk. You nervously press your thumb onto the paper next to your name, and the maroon mixed with your mutant sludge still looks brighter than it probably should. The oliveblood overseeing the sign in squints at your print for a single, pusher-stopping second before ushering you along with a sharp hand motion.

Sufferer on a two wheeled device, you fucking made it.

The rest of the stationing passes in a blur. You barely scrape through the physical assessment (you're almost a foot shorter than most lowbloods due to your mutation) but your hours of practicing with your sickles earn you a place in a low-ranking threshecutioner squad. You almost cry when your military standard uniform and sickles get thrown into your hands. You've been dreaming about this since you were a wiggler, and here you are. Goddamn.

The final part of stationing is getting assigned a colony. The Empress’ claws encircle most of the surrounding galaxies, so there was no shortage of outposts to be sent to. You cross your stubs as the indigo in charge of your squad consults a portable huskdevice, looking as thoughtful as one can when their face is smeared with clown garbage. You aren't sure what you're hoping for, but you hope the shit out of it anyway; wherever you go has a good ass chance of putting you in mortal danger, as is the standard for your miserable existence. The indigo clears her throat.

“Alright motherfuckers, we're bein’ assigned to one of the recent colonies. Count your lucky fuckin’ stars, the older ones can be brutal as shit.”

A bronze somewhere to your right puts his hand up sheepishly.

“Where are we going, exactly?”

“We're goin’ to this dinky little blue piece of shit rock in the galaxy next to Andromeda. Some motherfuckin’ shenanigans bein’ performed by the Empress herself there for a while. Got the whole species thinkin’ she’s got some kinda pastry thing goin’ on.”

“What's the planet called though? I've heard rumours and I'd like to maybe confirm them, if it's not too inconvenient.”

“Alright, don't get your bulge in a knot. Aliens are so fuckin’ bad at naming shit y’know that? This dumbass species decided to name their whole entire planet after some dirt. It's wild. Anyway we're goin’ to Earth. Pack your shit and get in the ship before i cull ya for loitering.”

You have a feeling it's going to be a long day.

**Author's Note:**

> oh boy first fic. no davekat this chapter just setting the scene sorry!! also the title is from [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IW44bkHON8c) bcs it fits the General Tone of the fic


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